God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
