dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
