dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
