I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
