god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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