apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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