that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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