hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How does it feel to date your dad?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
