I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you didnt know i had herpes?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
