i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
