We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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