i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
