Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
