Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
