I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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