Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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