The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
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I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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