I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
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I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
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She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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