You can't special order awesome
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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