I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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