So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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