Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
