yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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