i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So squirting runs in the family.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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