God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
