He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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