coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
