it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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