Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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