Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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