It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
