my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
