He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I love you.
Bad choice
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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