just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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