Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
