watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
that may or may not have been my penis.
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