I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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