he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
