Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
