life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
