hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
