could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
