Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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