ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
