The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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