I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
