i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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