This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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