I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
