Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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