ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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