i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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