If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
